Not Gonna Lie...

Roseanne Barr- You Blew My Mind

In mindless manner, I was catching up on the Times 100 Most Influential people when I came to # 71 George Clooney. I was about to hit “next” because I already knew of his talents as an actor, as well as his dedication to helping the situations in Darfur, however when I saw that Roseanne Barr had written the 300 words that followed, my mind went huh? And I had to read on.

I admit I know little about Barr and where her career has taken her after she left that hideous living room set, and nasty back-talking family that many of us fell in love with (I’m still perplexed as to why, but we did). In fact, the last thing I had heard about Roseanne Barr was that she intentionally massacred the National Anthem in a comedic effort that was less than humorous. 

 So why did I stop to blog about the 300 words that she had written? Because she wrote this about Clooney when describing his acting abilities, “he plays it all so, ‘south of snob, and north of slob.’” Pardon while I pick my jaw up from the floor for a second time.

 Roseanne Barr, the queen of rude, crude, loud, selfish, and above all crass, just identified exactly what Emily Post etiquette is all about. “South of snob, north of slob.” My mind was temporarily blown at this connection. What connection? You ask? And I’m not surprised you’re asking. Maybe people associate Emily Post with high society, and a ridiculous rule book for how to maneuver one’s way through it while climbing ever higher.  

 While Emily was immersed in and surrounded by high society, she furthered its desire to include her by becoming the authority on how to handle interactions with others. Emily herself detested the snobbery that often came in such circles. She wrote about it, and how it came off as insincere and often belittling. In fact, Emily’s book was meant for all people. She never asked for people to change who they were. She never “required” people to be of a certain standing to interact with her (or anyone else for that matter). What she advised was that a person should use what they know, the small things (eye contact, a friendly hello, interest in others) to show consideration, respect and honesty to all they encounter. In short, stay clear of being a snob, and above being a slob, and you’ll be ok.     

Fashion Sheep

Sorry for the lapse, we had minor technical problem. Back to etiquette!

For an upcoming interview on how fashions have changed, I had to do a little research in the 1922 edition of Etiquette, and I came across a section that cracked me up. It reads:

The Sheep

Frumps are not very typical of America, vulgarians are somewhat more numerous, but the greatest number of all are the quietly dressed, unnoticeable men and women who make up the representative backbone in every city; who buy good clothes but not more than they need, and whose ambition is merely to be well enough dressed to fit in with their background, whatever their background may be.

Less numerous, but far more conspicuous are the dressed-to-the-minute women who, like sheep exactly, follow every turn of the latest fashion blindly and without the slightest sense of distance or direction. As each new season'€™s fashion is defined, all the sheep run and dress themselves each in a replica of the other, their own types and personalities have nothing to do with the case. Fashion says: "€œWear bolster cases tied at the neck and ankle."€ Or "€œA few wisps of gauze held in place with court plaster,"€ and daughter, mother, grandmother and all the neighbors wear the same. If emerald green is the fashionable color, all of the yellowest skins will be framed in it. When hobble skirts are the thing, the fattest wabble along looking for all the world like chandeliers tied up in mosquito netting. If ball dresses are cut to the last limit of daring, the ample billows of the fat will vie blandly with the marvels of anatomy exhibited by the thin. Comfort, convenience, becomingness, adaptability, beauty are of no importance. Fashion is followed to the letter, therefore they fancy, poor sheep, they are the last word in smartness. Those whom the fashion suits are œsmart, but they are seldom, if ever, distinguished, because they are all precisely alike.

While Emily was praised throughout her career as a woman who made people feel comfortable and who was the epitome of grace, she wasn'€™t afraid to call '€˜em like she saw '€˜em, which of course made her real. I would hope that when you think about what she said, you can understand her point of view. What I love, I mean absolutely love, about this snippet is that it's a fashion reality check. If you don'€™t have the legs or the butt, or the stomach (or the age, for that matter) to pull off a certain fashion trend, don'€™t try. Let it be motivation for you to either work on that area of yourself, or wear what looks good on you. Find a creative way of wearing the trend that doesn'€™t cause you to overexpose yourself, or quite frankly make others (with whom you interact) uncomfortable.  

A Little Southern Charm

For my spring vacation, Drick and I went to stay with a friend, Dave, in New Orleans. Contrary to popular thought, it’s not a big pile of rubble. (There are of course parts where the devastation is still being cleaned up and, with the help of many organizations, rebuilt.) However, the Garden District where Dave resides was in full swing with beautiful buildings, gorgeous landscaping, lots of dogs, and tons of “hellos”, “How ya doin’?”s and “hi”s. We very happily indulged in all the Big Easy had to offer. (Or at least we tried to.)

The South really is a more thoughtful place. At least in our experience. Maybe it’s the long months with the bitter cold winds biting at your face, or the begrudged feeling you get when you have to dig your car out from the 1 1/2 feet of snow that fell while you slept soundly, or maybe it’s the rivalry between the Red Sox and the Yankees. Whatever it is something makes us Northeastern types less friendly and less interested in Joe Schmo to our right.

Everywhere in Nawlin’s we found friendliness. From the street car drivers, to the maintenance guys on the golf course everyone was smiling, helpful, and ready to pass it on (with a drink) to the next guy. (I think it partly has to do with the open container laws and the fact that this city will party at the drop of a hat. No wonder my aunt, Peggy, who grew up here is so much fun!)

I can’t tell you how badly I want to just write about the food and the culture and my incredible round of golf (J). But I wouldn’t be writing for the family biz if it didn’t deal with etiquette, and I had one moment in particular that stood out as a moment of sheer good etiquette, something that this North Easterner would probably never experience in her homeland of frozen ground and faces.

Our host was taking us to one of his favorite spots for dinner. I don’t remember the name of it, just that the word Dante was in it and they had an outdoor seating area. Unfortunately Dante’s was closed. So we zipped around the block to another place. Closed. Then we saw across the street there was what looked like a restaurant, so we figured we’d walk in and check it out. Dave had never been there, and we were in the mood for anything at this point. With white lace curtains drawn up and no menu outside we had no idea if they were even open (and certainly not expecting it after our first two tries).

As I opened the door, I was greeted by an outstanding aroma, and a beautiful hallway. As I opened the door further, I saw a room to the right with white tablecloths, candles, and all gentlemen in coats and ties, none of whom looked under the age of 50. The three of us, me in a casual skirt, and wrinkled top, Drick in half-off-the-ass jeans and his red and white sneakers, and Dave in his casually crinkled dress shirt and cords all thought at the exact same moment not for us, not tonight.

Just as we were about to turn and walk out unnoticed. The hostess of about, of about 50+ years, blew me away. She walked up to her little stand and with the utmost kindness and sincerity, the kind of sincerity that made you ever so grateful and appreciative that it still exists, said, “Good evening, how are you all doing tonight?” “Fine, thank you,” we responded in our best, we’re-at-grandma’s-friend’s-house voices. “May I have the name for your reservation?” Lady whoever you are, you are too sweet for words. “I think we’re a little underdressed this evening.” I responded apologetically. And Dave chimed in with a regretful sounding “We didn’t make a reservation.” Everyone chuckled a little because it was so clear from the moment we breathed the air inside, that this wasn’t the place for us, not tonight anyway, and she was so kind to act as if it was fine that we were there. “Please take a card and come back another night, it’s the best food in New Orleans!” “Thank you we certainly will.” A few steps away from the restaurant, the three of us little scrubs laughed whole heartedly and kept repeating how that would never happen up North. In the North you would have gotten a dirty look, and an immediate dismissal for your attire. Down here, it’s sweetly ignored that you’re horrendously underdressed and you’re treated with the utmost genteel and understanding. God bless the South, for that southern charm! 

 

Two Things That Don't Mix: The Gym and Cell Phones

There are any number of things that keep someone from returning to a gym. Laziness, a desire to not worry about it anymore, aches, pains, meat-heads, all the skinny people in perfect shape who make you somehow envision being a hit man in another life. But nonetheless, I returned to my gym ready for more—ready to become one of those people in perfect shape. Full sails ahead, I’m ready to work out world!...

…Until I experienced what I believe to be the very absolute worst faux pas one can make at the gym: talking on a cell phone while exercising. Yes, that’s right, to me there is something worse than not wiping down the equipment. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m moving forward with the rest of society and fell in love with my cell phone years ago. I even recently went so far as to purchase a BlackBerry (and I love it!). But there is a difference between owning and needing a cell phone, and abusing one. Not to toot my own horn, but I am a master of my phone, and not a slave to it. I turn it off at the theatre; I don’t check it while my boyfriend and I eat dinner; I try quite hard to ignore it when I’m with friends. And the gym is one place where I make absolutely certain to hold true to my mastery—I rarely even bring it in. If I do, you can bet it’s on silent/vibrate, and I’ll only text on it.

I don’t mind at all if people text, it’s quiet, it’s not distracting and mostly I can’t see what you’re saying. But when you hop on that cardio equipment, set your workout time for 45 minutes, and then whip out your phone and proceed to call three friends and tell each of them about your special night with Jack and what you two did (As the woman down a few machines from me did.) it’s just not ok. I’m sorry, but the not-so-nice side of me wants you to fall off, hopes your phone gets caught in the machine and mangled to a million pieces, and for added salt in the wound, I hope Jack doesn’t have your number! (MUAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!)I’m not really that evil.

The nicer side of me says that when you do encounter this, try to ignore it if you can. There are certainly people who have to take emergency calls (not from Jack) but from ill family members, troubled children, and so on. If it’s really a problem (and the content of the conversation doesn’t sound like an emergency) you can certainly try leaning over and saying, “Pardon me, but would mind making those types of calls in the lobby, I’d really appreciate it. Thank you.” With a sweet and sympathetic face, who could turn you down or be offended by that?  If you don’t want to get confrontational, then by all means go tell a staff member and or fill out a suggestion form asking for a rule about cell phone use at the gym.

Is It Really Ok to Ask...

A friend to not use her cell when you hang out?

If it seems to be a real problem when you hang out with this friend then yes of course. When you next invite your friend to come over for a gab sesh or even for dinner, sweetly say to her, “Kate I really love it when we hang out but let’s turn our phones off when we get together. I love our time together so much and it would help me focus on that.”

For an RSVP from friends who haven’t gotten back to you about an invitation yet?

Of course it’s ok! If your guests haven’t gotten back to you within a week by all means pick up the phone and touch base with them. Say something like, “Hi John, I was just calling to make sure you and 

Tara

received the invitation to dinner on the 24^th, and whether or not you’d be able to make it.” Your friend might still need some time to look at a calendar but at least you’ll have got them thinking about it.

To bring a date to a wedding you’ve been invited to?

Unless the invitation states your name with “and guest” or “plus one” next to it than you need to attend this wedding solo. Because weddings are catered events and usually have a pretty high cost per head it’s important not to add to the host’s expenses by bringing a surprise guest, or requesting to bring an extra person.

What you’ll be having and who else is coming to a dinner party you’ve been invited to?

These questions are harmless amongst the closest of friends and family, but should truly be avoided. The idea being that if you’re asking what’s for dinner, or who is coming that your decision to come or not is based upon these things and not the fact that the host has invited you over. Some people can consider this insulting so if you dare to ask, make sure that you know how the host would feel about it first. What if you need to ask about the food because of an allergy you ask? Instead of asking what will be served, just simply mention to your host that you have an allergy, “Oh Luke I’d be so happy to come, I have to let you know though that I am severely allergic to peanuts, I hope that’s not going to spoil anything.” If you’re curious because of diet restrictions, rather than put the road block up for your host to worry about suggest bringing a dish. “We’d love to come to dinner, I am a vegetarian though would it be alright with you if I brought an extra dish?” 

 

CALLING ALL READERS!...

and party-goers....my sister, Anna, and I have been working on a new entertaining book that is going to be chock full of great party and hosting advice. But it’s gotten me thinking about parties all the time! That means I’m talking about party ideas all the time and the more I talk with people the more interesting things I learn. So, I thought I’d cast the line out there and ask you all what have been some of your favorite things about parties. Maybe it’s the coolest way to set up a bar, or to serve dinner. It could be an incredible playlist that really got people in the partying mood. Maybe it was the best table setting you’ve ever created, or the biggest most successful surprise party you’ve ever given. Whatever it is I’m dying to know!!!!!!! Tell me, tell me, tell me what makes the parties you’ve loved tick!!!!!!

Dining Etiquette Quickie

When is it appropriate to send food back?
 

The only times you should send something back are as follows:

• The dish isn’t what you ordered
• The dish wasn’t cooked properly (for example your rare steak came out charred, or a substitution—especially due to an allergy—wasn’t made properly.)
• The dish tastes like something has gone bad.
• You find a hair, pest or foreign object in your food. 

What are the actual words you should use with the server? 

    In a gentle and nice tone say, “Excuse me Sir, but I had asked for the mushrooms to be substituted because I’m allergic.” Or “Excuse me Miss, I had ordered a rare steak and it came out well done, could it be exchanged please?” And then encourage the rest of the diners at your table to enjoy their meals. Remember to request these kinds of corrections kindly and without blame. Most often situations like this are not the server’s fault. 

Re-think Clean

For two months at my house we’ve tried a laissez-faire version of cleaning. Everyone is responsible for taking care of personal messes (dishes, projects, etc…) and we take it upon ourselves to do the general upkeep like vacuuming, moping, and scrubbing the tub. 

It didn’t work.

So, I asked the boys if we could try assigning some chores. No one (not even me) liked the idea, but the proof was in the pudding, none of us had picked up the vacuum cleaner on our own. None of us had cleaned the toilet, or the bath tub, or grabbed a mop.

We decided that everyone should take care of their own dishes still, but that we’d divide up the bigger chores and each person is responsible simply to get their chores done sometime that week.

Here’s how I broke up the rest of our chores:

Vacuum Upstairs (Includes living room, office, hallway and stairs going upstairs.)

Vacuum Downstairs (Includes basement living room, music den, and stairs going to basement.)

Sweep/Mop (Sweep and mop the kitchen, dining room, and entrance area.)

Clean Out Fridge (Empty any old leftovers and re-organize shelves/drawers.)

Trash (Gather trash from all rooms, replace all trash bags, and take the trash to the curb.)

Recycling (Gather all bottles from bins around the house, organize the recycling, make sure everything is clean, and take it to the curb.)

On top of this we rotate cleaning the bathroom by each taking a turn once a week.

I’m in charge of trash and sweeping and mopping.

We’ve got a calendar with each person’s chores, a list of what the jobs entail next to it, and a marker to check off when the job is done. Fingers crossed, the house should be clean on a regular basis now.   How do you keep things in order at your place?

5 FAQs

There are some questions that The Emily Post Institute gets asked frequently. Here are five of them for you to think about.

Question 1: Do I tip the owner of the hair salon if he or she is the one who styles my hair?

Answer: No. Because the owner is profiting from the salon as a whole you do not tip him or her.

Question 2: How do I introduce someone when I’ve forgotten their name?

Answer: Admit your forgetfulness. “This is quite embarrassing, but I’ve forgotten your name.” “Quite alright, Mark Bloomfield.” “Thank you, Mark this is Estelle Mariano she’s a graphic designer. Estelle this Mark Bloomfield he works for We’re The Best an advertising firm in  New York."

Question 3: What do I do if I need to keep my cellphone on for emergencies, but I’m going into an important luncheon with a client?   

Answer: If this is an ongoing issue, then let the client know when you arrange the meeting. “Jill I’m so glad we’ve set up a luncheon, however I’d like to let you know that I have a family member in the hospital, and on occasion must take a call. I apologize in advance if this is a problem.” If it’s a new problem (just for day or week) let the client know as soon as you can, preferably before you are seated.

Question 4: I’ve got some friends and colleagues who love to talk and get their points across. I’m thrilled to listen, but I often struggle when it comes to getting my voice in, how do I interrupt politely?

Answer: Interjecting can be difficult especially in the work place, where people are often competitive. It’s ok to interrupt to confirm or question a certain point. The best thing you can do is wait for a pause, and then put in your two cents. If the subject that you wished to speak about has passed, you could say, “I’d like to go back to spread sheet five for a moment just to look at….” At work you also might want to take a second and think about whether or not your two cents is really needed here. Maybe it can be voiced after the meeting, or another person has already said something similar.

When it’s in a friendly conversation, I’d wait patiently and when your friend finishes one subject say something like, “Oh Jamie, I’ve been dying to tell you about ….” As long as he or she wasn’t just sharing something truly traumatic it’s perfectly polite for you to share your stories too.

Question 5: If I have bad service at a restaurant can I skip the tip?

Answer: No. If the server was very rude to you, and that’s your reason for not wanting to tip, you have two options. First, if it’s truly appalling you can get up and go speak to the manager aside. He or she will most likely send you a different server for the rest of the night. Second, if the service was just mediocre or not bad enough to need immediate change. Leave your 15% tip and then speak to the manager. This is especially true if it was the food, or the atmosphere that has caused you to not enjoy your meal. You shouldn’t ever take it out on the server in the form of lessened gratuity.   

Forget it's Valentine's Day ???

It’s Valentine’s Day! 

How could you forget??! Every grocery store and drug store in America has been candy coated with pink and red and white since Christmas! Every Kay-Jeweler, DeBeers, and Hershey Kiss commercial is screaming with the L.O.V.E. How could you forget???!!!!

Just bustin’ ya chops! J Just because you haven’t done something yet, doesn’t mean that it’s too late! Cards, flowers, even coming home with something special to cook for dinner, and adding a bit of décor to your dining area will ignite that spark between you and your sweetie.

Only just remembering halfway through the day? Take a picture of a heart or something lovey-dovey on your lunch break with your cell phone and pix your hunny a cute message. Even a picture of yourself blowing a kiss will brighten up his or her day, and let them know you didn’t forget.

  Whatever you do, don’t play the “I forgot, but have a very elaborate surprise scheme in mind” game. It’s just too wrought with chances for heartache, confusion and hurt feelings.

I myself will be picking up something sweet on my way home this evening and transforming my dining room (half-torn wallpaper and all) into a lovely in-home restaurant, candle sticks, warm lighting, and all!